What a busy woman I am!

Good lord but I've been productive tonight!

Besides making my second loaf of gluten-free bread in the bread machine, stewed cabbage, and whatever the hell else I already wrote about, I additionally whipped up a stellar loaf of pumpkin spice bread, a round of black bean curried hummus, a rather hellaciously oniony/garlicky/spicy salsa-type dip, and to top it off, I have a loaf of "normal" bread in the machine for the fam.

So, the pumpkin bread was yet another recipe I got from the Gluten-Free Goddess (henceforth to bear the acronym "GFG"), and yet again, I changed it a bit. Here's how I did it:

GFG's Pumpkin Chai Bread:

Combine in a large bowl (I use a whisk to combine everything):

1 rounded cup canned pumpkin

1/4 cup prune baby food (don't groan, it works great as a fat substitute in recipes like this)

1/4 cup oil (the recipe calls for 1/2 cup oil and no prunes :) )

scant cup of packed brown sugar (I used dark, though the recipe calls for light, cause that's all we had)

2 tsp. vanilla

Ener-G Egg Replacer for 2 eggs made with warm water (presumably one could use two real eggs)

1/3 cup apple cider (recipe calls for 1/3 - 1/2 cup apple juice, cider, or orange juice)

Whisk together in another bowl:

1 1/2 cups gluten-free flour blend (I used 1 part sorghum flour, 1/2 part potato starch, 1/2 part tapioca flour, 1/3 part buckwheat flour)

1 tsp. baking soda

1 1/2 tsp. baking powder

1/2 tsp. salt

1 tsp. xanthan gum

1 tsp. cinnamon

1/2 tsp. allspice (or cardamom)

1/2 tsp. ginger

1/2 tsp. ground cloves

Now, dump the dry ingredients into the wet stuff and whisk together until everything is smooth. If the batter is too thin, add more of the flour-mix to thicken it. I personally found the batter to be the perfect thickness, but there you go. I added a scant 1/2 cup of raisins to the batter at the end, but you could add any number of other things (nuts, chocolate chips, etc.).

Oil and lightly flour the bottom of either a loaf pan or an 8x10 pan (I used loaf) and pour the batter into it. Bake in a 350 degree oven for 50 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool on a wire rack. Voila!

I ate some warm with vegan butter and some with Tofutti, and in both cases, it was DELICIOUS! The bottom has a thin layer that's more dense than the rest, but all in all, this bread tastes kind of like gingerbread and is extremely moist and dense and yummy!

Next, I decided to whip up some hummus, but I wanted to use half chickpeas and half black beans, mainly because I was too lazy to go down to the basement for a second can of chickpeas....Here's what I did:

Blend in food processor:

1 can chick peas, liquid mostly drained

1 can black beans WITH liquid

about 1 tbsp. olive oil

about 1 tbsp. minced garlic

juice of 1 lemon

about 2 1/2 tsp. curry powder

salt

SO GOOD! SO SIMPLE! SO HEALTHY! I'm a HUGE fan of this new-found combo of beans and curry!

Now, the last thing I made came out woefully heartburn-inducing...After taking a few taste-tests (like less than a spoonful) I promptly developed heartburn. I think it's just that there's WAY the f too much onion in it in proportion to the other ingredients, so this could still be a good dip, but just change it some. Here's how I did it:

Blend in food processor until smooth:

1 avocado

2 medium tomatoes

1 small onion

about 1 tbsp. minced garlic

dash of lemon juice

dash of chili powder

dash of salt

dash of sugar (attempt to counteract the intensely-too-strong onion zest)

I also ended up adding probably about a tablespoon, tablespoon and a half of Tofutti in a further, vain attempt to cut the extreme acidity and onion-y-ness of this rather atrocious dip. I still think this combo of stuff would be delish, but maybe like a quarter the amount of onion and less garlic, and maybe if I used some vegan sour cream or something it would be better...But, I had to use up the dang avocado and this was how I wanted to use it...I may be able to salvage this stuff, but if not, hey, what's one truly failed experiment amongst so many successes?

My attempts at banana and zucchini chips.

Ever since having an interminable craving for trail mix and discovering the joys of dried fruit, I've been having an affair with banana chips. There's something about the sweet, crunchy, slightly salty taste that just makes it impossible to not eat enormous amounts of these treats. But, I know that they're fried in oil and usually sugar is added, and I can't quite keep deluding myself into believing that the banana-ness of them counteracts the fried/sugared aspect of them. Consequently, I decided I could probably just make my own banana chips baked right in the oven, with very little oil and no sugar. So as per my usual M.O., I scoured the internet and found a plethora of banana chip recipes, but only a very, very few did not involve frying. Basically, I needed to slice some bananas into chip-shape (duh), coat them with lemon or lime juice, and bake. Simple, right? Sure success, right? Mmmm, not so much...

I did as the recipes told and even added a tish of salt, garlic powder, and cinnamon for effect. Then I spread out the pre-chips on a baking sheet sprayed with Pam, slapped them in an oven that I think was set at about 350 for the polenta I was preparing, and waited. They stayed soft for a VERY LONG TIME so I left them in the oven for A VERY LONG TIME. I checked, checked, and rechecked, and despite the thinness of the "chips", the banana was still mushy to the touch. So I assumed either the temp was too low or banana just takes forever to crisp. So I left them in there for awhile while going about the rest of my business, figuring they'd just brown up slowly and I'd be done. Again, not so much. Apparently, banana chips like to remain pale and mushy for oh, say 45 minutes, then suddenly blacken and burn to a chewy crisp (oxymoron? no!) in a matter of seconds. At least that's how I think it happened. One minute I have disappointingly mushy banana bits, the next I have shriveled up slices of banana that have gone well past caramelization and into burnt-ness. They were also almost irrevocably stuck to the pan, but I coaxed them off, let them cool, and ate them. Yes, I ate them. Oh well. It was worth a try.

Meanwhile, I had also decided that if sauteed zucchini was delicious, then by george, thinly-sliced, oven-baked zucchini "chips" would be faaabulous! So, I used that best friend of the cook, the food processor, to quickly and efficiently slice the other half of my monster zucchini into thin, chip-like pieces. These I tossed with a bit of olive oil, then added a zillion spices, including salt, pepper, garlic powder (as always), mustard powder, curry powder, white pepper, and even some hot paprika. There may have been more but I got caught up in the additions and forgot to pay attention to what I was using....

Then I spread my zucchini pre-chips out on a couple baking pans and slapped these in the oven alongside the banana failures and the polenta (which came out fine I might add). Much like the bananas, the zucchinis felt it necessary to remain soft and mushy until about the last two minutes of cook-time, at which point they too shriveled up and got more burnt than browned. But, these still tasted fairly good, if a tad on the burny side, and despite the fact that as soon as I got them off the pans they again went back to mush. Oh well. Vegetable/Fruit Chip Fail. I shall try again as soon as my morale is back up in that department.

On the plus side, I had so damn much zucchini that I wound up sauteeing the "chips" that didn't fit on the pans, and although the pan was a bit hot so they got a bit brown, they tasted really good this way and went well with the new batch of polenta.

A note about the second polenta: This time I had a bit less actual polenta than the first time, and the pan may have been bigger, so the slab of cooked polenta was thinner than the first time. And this time, I let it sit out overnight rather than put it in the fridge. So, when I fried it up the next morning, one or both of these factors led to a much more successful attempt at pan-frying. This time, the cakes came out crispy and even a little golden-brown right in the pan and didn't require that I put them into the oven. So for future reference, make polenta in a thin slab and fry it when it's at room temperature, not chilled.

Hummus!

The other afternoon Matt came up to see me at home and we ran a few errands, after which we were both starving. I had a little bit of the grilled polenta left and wanted to heat that up for him since he's such a HUGE fan, but I wanted to also have something to go with it. I decided to whip up some more sauteed zucchini to top the polenta, and then went a step further and decided it was the right time to try my hand at super-fast blender hummus. Both things turned out SO WELL!

I chopped up the zucchini into slices and coated it with a bit of olive oil, salt, and pepper. Then I sauteed minced garlic, threw in the zucchini, and cooked it with the cover on, stirring occasionally, until the zucchini is tender. Done!

Now for the hummus...

I threw into the blender two cans of chick peas, added some olive oil and the juice and pulp of one lemon (I basically squeezed the shit of a halved lemon right over the blender), and then tossed in salt, pepper, garlic powder, and some chili powder. I blended until it was fairly smooth, though still a tad chunky, and dished it up. It was mucho delicioso! This seems like such a friendly side-dish because not only is it good for you but it's real freakin' fast and you can add pretty much whatever you want to jazz it up!

All of this I served atop rebaked polenta cakes and ate some of the hummus with tortilla chips and I'll declare it a well-rounded success!

Gelatinous Tapioca!

So I decided that I wanted a comfort food of sorts, preferably something warm, vanilla-y, and gooey, to soothe my riotous stomach. For whatever reason, I further decided that that something would be tapioca pudding. Why? Who the hell knows. I have never EVER been turned on by tapioca, what with it's fish-eye appearance and unappealing color. I think I tried it once or twice as a kid and had my expectations fully met. But, I suppose since I know that I can make gluten-free bread with tapioca starch, I deduced that tapioca itself would be ok for me to eat, and thus I opted to buy some giant tapioca pearls, find a few thousand tapioca recipes, and start cookin'.

I tried this recipe today and will undoubtedly try a different one next time, based on the fact that the final product, although actually really yummy, has a truly bizarre consistency. It's somewhere between Gak, Flubber, and straight-up goop. It's friggin' weird, but I still actually like it. It tasted as warm and comforting as I expected and I mostly didn't mind the goopiness...

Ingredients:

1/2 cup tapioca pearls (not instant)

2 cups soy milk, 1 cup coconut milk (recipe says 3 cups soy, but I'm almost out)

1/2 cup sugar (I used raw sugar and I didn't measure so it was probably closer to 1/4 cup since I'm stingy with sugar)

1/2 tsp. vanilla

I also added a dash of cinnamon, a tiny tish of ground cloves, and a hint of nutmeg.

Directions:

Soak the tapioca pearls in 2 cups of water for about an hour, then drain.

Combine the tapioca, milk, and sugar in a saucepan. I also combined the vanilla here, which apparently I wasn't supposed to do until after the next step...Stir the mixture over medium heat for about 20 minutes until thickened.

Now again, this is supposed to result in a pudding. I however wound up with something beyond that which probably no-one besides me will ever enjoy. I don't know if it has to do with the slight alterations I made to the recipe, how long I cooked it, or what. But hey, try it and see what happens...It's still warm, cinnamony comfort....

Stewed Cabbage (sounds delish, no?)

While this dish has a singularly unappealing title, it actually smelled and tasted fabulous, especially on a cold, rainy, gray fall day. I found this recipe on allrecipes.com (I think) and changed it just a tad to suit my ingredients and tastes...

1/8 cup olive oil and about 1 1/2 tbsp. vegan spread (or just 1/4 cup straight buttah)

2 onions, chopped (my slap-chopper worked sooo well for this)

2 cloves garlic, chopped (I just minced two heads of garlic in my mini-grinder and used a tish more than a tablespoon of that)

About 2 cups zucchini, chopped into little pieces (the recipe calls for 1 stalk of celery, chopped, but not having this and having a left-over hunk of a large zucchini, I made the switcheroo)

1 medium head cabbage, cut into "squares" (this doesn't really work, the cabbage just falls apart, but at least it's in smaller shreds)

1 (14.5 oz) can diced (or stewed) tomatoes, with liquid

salt and pepper

I also included a dash of a bunch of other spices, including: coriander, cumin, oregano, celery seed (my concession to my lack of actual celery), and curry powder. I thought just plain old garlic, salt, and pepper seemed kind of lackluster...

Heat up the oil and spread in a stock pot over medium heat. Add the onions, garlic, and zucchini and saute until the onions are translucent. Stir in the cabbage and keep stirring until the cabbage has wilted a fair amount and is covered with the other ingredients. Once the cabbage is down to about half it's original volume, reduce the heat to low and simmer covered for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Pour the tomatoes in and add all the spices you want and stir well. Put the cover back on and cook over medium heat for 30-40 minutes, stirring occasionally (especially towards the end), until the cabbage is tender.

I ate this just plain in a little tiny bowl and although it needed more salt and pepper than I had added and probably could've used a more liberal hand with the other spices, it was quite flavorful and quite comforting on such a shitty day. It would probably be good served over something like baked polenta or whatever...

Gluten-Free Bread Recipe #2

Now for round two of Gluten-Free Bread experimentation....

I found this recipe somewhere else and now I can't remember where, but apparently it was created by a chick named Allison, since it's called Allison's Gluten-Free Bread...kudos, Allison...

Whisk together the dry ingredients and leave them for later:

1/2 cup tapioca flour

1/4 cup garbanzo bean flour (who knew they made chick peas into flour??)

1/4 cup buckwheat flour (again, recipe called for millet flour, but again, I didn't have it)

1 cup sorghum flour (recipe called for brown rice flour but I didn't have that either and according to the G-F Goddess, sorghum flour is a reasonable sub)

1 cup white rice flour

1 tbsp. xanthan gum

1 tsp. salt

Proof the yeast:

Heat up 1 1/2 cups liquid to 110-115 degrees. Again, use whatever combo of non-dairy milk and water you want. The recipe called for regs milk, so I went with 3/4 cup coconut milk and 3/4 cup water. Add 1 tbsp. active dry yeast and let it sit and get frothy.

Meanwhile, combine the other liquid ingredients:

Mix 3 tsp. Ener-G Egg Replacement with 4 tbsp. warm water. I used a whisk to do this and it worked quite well. The actual recipe calls for 1 egg and 1/3 cup egg whites, but I said boo to that :) Next whisk right in 1/4 cup canola oil (I actually used a soybean/olive oil blend that Matt got me), 1/4 cup honey, and 1 tbsp. apple cider vinegar.

Now add the proofed yeast and liquid to the other liquid ingredients and whisk the heck out of them until everything is nicely frothy and combined.

Pour the liquid into the bread machine pan, carefully dump the dry ingredients on top, set the machine for the gluten-free cycle, and wait!

Now again, I let this loaf go another 10 minutes after the cycle was done because again, the crust looked kind of pale for my taste. And, as mentioned in the first bread post, I didn't scrape down the sides so I ended up with both a lovely swirly top and a not-as-lovely flour ring around the middle of the loaf.

I found this bread to also be quite yummy, though it was a bit starchier than the last loaf. I don't know enough about the different flours yet to be able to pinpoint the source of gluten-free bread's starchiness, but whatever causes it, this loaf had more of. But other than that, good stuff :)

Gluten-Free Bread Recipe #1

Gluten-Free Bread #1 (courtesy of the Gluten-Free Goddess):

Whisk together the dry ingredients so they're ready for later:

2/3 cup sorghum flour

1/3 cup cornmeal

1/2 cup buckwheat flour (the recipe called for millet flour but that's one of the few flours I don't have yet)

1 cup potato starch

2 tsp. xanthan gum

1 1/4 tsp. sea salt

2 tsp. dry Ener-G Egg Replacer (or you can use 1 beaten real egg added to the wet ingredients)

Proof the yeast:

Heat up 1 1/4 cup of liquid, which can be pretty much whatever combination of non-dairy milk and water you want (I think I used something like 1 cup almond milk and 1/4 cup water). When your liquid is between 110 and 115 degrees, add 1 tbsp. instant dry or rapid yeast (I used regular yeast and the loaf came out kind of small and dense). Let this sit and get a little foamy.

Combine the proofed yeast and liquid with the rest of the liquid ingredients:

4 tbsp. olive oil

3 tbsp. honey (or you can use agave nectar or probably even maple syrup)

1/2 tsp. lemon juice (or a mild rice or white wine vinegar).

Pour the liquid ingredients into the bread machine pan.

Gently dump the dry ingredients on top of the liquid ingredients.

Set the machine for the gluten-free cycle and wait!

My loaf came out very well, though it was pretty squat and dense, but also pretty dang delicious. A few notes:

*Don't forget to put the blade into the bottom of the pan BEFORE you put all your ingredients in!

*Scrape down the sides of the pan after a minute or two of mixing to better incorporate the flour (this suggestion also courtesy of the Gluten-Free Goddess). I didn't do this for the second loaf and ended up with a slight ring of flour around the middle of the loaf, but this was almost a fair trade-off the beautifully swirled top of the loaf that also was a result of not interrupting the cycle.

*I ended up baking this loaf for an additional ten minutes after the program cycle ended because the loaf was still very light in color. This seemed to be a good choice....

*Take the loaf right out of the pan so the crust can harden.

So I started out writing these recipes out on Facebook, but due to the size constraints of the note comments, I'm giving up and writing all of the recipes here, but I'm still going to make them separate posts, because otherwise I'll have one HUGE post that no-one will read (not that anyone reads the others anyway).

Read on for recipes for the following:

- Gluten-Free Bread #1 and #2

- Stewed Cabbage

- Tapioca Pudding (or as I fondly refer to it, "Flubber")

- Sauteed Zucchini and *attempted* Zucchini Chips

Probably there are more but I can't think of them....

Sticky Treats!

Mmmm, tonight smells like it's going to better than last night....

I have my first loaf of vegan, gluten-free banana bread in the oven, a fire in the woodstove, and I made Rice Krispie Treats for the fam and protein bars for My Man. I'm satisfied with what I've accomplished thus far.

Today was overall a nice day, even though it did start out with a meeting with a supervisor that was a reprimand of sorts. Boo. Whatever though, I know I work hard and do what they ask of me and then some, so it's all good.

After this meeting, I proceeded to hit up this ridiculous antique store down on Shelburne Road that is literally packed to the gills with STUFF. There's enough room to walk single-file between ceiling-high shelves, piles, and cases of old STUFF. It's almost creepy, given the amount of time and effort that this one middle-aged, chubby dude in need of a shave has spent collecting other people's old crap, and then over-charging for it.

After getting my fill of overwhelming amounts of over-priced ancient memorabilia, junk, and collectibles, I squeezed out into the fresh air again and headed to my new favorite store, Recycle North. I got me some more jars of various sizes and my big prize, a sweet heavy-duty GE blender, for a mere $8. With these prizes in tow, I hopped into my car and headed to North Winooski Ave, where I went to both Junktiques and Salvation Army.

Junktiques is now on my list of top favorite thrift stores. It's just full of interesting old things, most of which don't have a price tag and for which the counter-guy just says, "Uh, how 'bout three bucks? That seem fair? No? Would you take it for a dollar? Yes? Ok good." Here, I picked up one of those slap-chopper things for chopping onions and other vegetables (this was the item for which I didn't want to pay $3), a big fluffy blanket knit out of some fabulous fluffy material in sea-green and blue shades, and something else which I can't think of at the moment.

At Salvation I hit the jackpot and got for $1 each one plaid, long-sleeve shirt, a teal Volcom henley-type long-sleeve shirt, this short-sleeve eggplant purple sweater that is probably meant for someone twice my size but works nicely as a sweater dress (to be worn with leggings), and then two skeins of very fine, gray yarn. All in all, a good day at the Thrift Stores.

Added to yesterdays take, which was a thing for putting stuff like ginger or whatever into and then grating, some cool green and cream woven placemats and and a runner, and some more jars, I came home with an embarrassing wealth of cheap treasure. This, in addition to the even more embarrassing wealth of cooking/baking treasures I impulsively purchased at Shitty Markup and Healthy Living. But the way I see it, at least for the moment, is I need to buy the foodstuffs because I'm overhauling my pantry so that I can hopefully achieve some sort of digestive harmony. And as for the thrift store purchases, well, they're thrifty, so why not, right?

But after tomorrow and the estate sale and big flea market that are on the agenda, I'll probably cut back on my spending, even at thrift stores, so that I don't end up right where I started a couple months ago. I have enough ingredients to make a lot of different foods and that's the main thing I'm concerned about.

I forgot to mention in my enumeration of tonight's events that while making the Rice Krispie Treats, I discovered a very important truth, one which I will always remember from this day forth: Rice Krispie Treats, before they are set, are EXTREMELY STICKY! I decided it would be a great idea to use my hands to press the stuff down into the pan since it was sticking to the spoon too much. That right there should've been my first clue that the stuff would most likely stick to me, but no, I figured for some reason, my hands would be repellant enough to avoid getting covered in stickiness. I was wrong. As soon as I touched the stuff, it was all over. And, the more I tried to get it off, the more it coated my fingers and hands. So, I started to laugh out loud and decided there was no way I was passing up this photo opportunity, so I ever-so-dexterously used my thumb knuckle to manipulate the mouse pad, turned on Photo Booth, and took me some Rice Krispie Treat Catastrophe photos!

So anyway...

I've had some good days, tonight's a good night, and tomorrow is looking very promising. In the morning, I'm going to an estate sale with Momma, then the St. Albans flea market with My Man and a friend, and then My Man is taking me to buy me a bread machine! And can I just add...!!!!!! What a man I have! What a provider! What a generous guy!

And that concludes this evening's entry.

What the fudge, stomach?

I feel like crap. AGAIN. And all I had for dinner was polenta cakes, zucchini, salsa, and some dried fruit for dessert. And here I am, feeling like a bloated walrus. This SUCKS. I don't get what could possibly make me feel this way. I had no dairy, no wheat, no meat, no NOTHING. And to top it off, the coffee I made is kind of weak. Boo.

On the upside however, today I walked oh, probably a couple miles, all the way from the house where I babysit, which is down Williston road, a little past the intersection with P. Chop, Blockbuster, Marco's, etc., and all the way to the Salvation Army on Dorset Street, which is well past the U Mall. On the way there, I pushed The Baby in the stroller. On the way back, I carried him in the sling and pushed the stroller with my bag of purchases slung over the handle. How I managed this, I don't know....I was one sweaty mofo by the time we got home though.

On the further upside, I talked to the momma of The Baby today and she and her husband are seriously considering having me watch The Baby more days per week, possibly in concert with friends of theirs who just had a baby a couple weeks ago. So it looks as though I may end up getting to watch either one or two babies several days a week for big bucks, all under the table. I'd say this whole situation is going exactly the way I hoped it would and then some.

Things are looking up

So after glancing through my previous entries, I have decided that the time has come for me to write something a little more up-beat. This is due not only to the fact that the only two things I have written thus far are entirely down-beat, but also to the fact that I am feeling, at least mentally, vastly happier than I have been. Intestinally, there is still room for improvement, but now that I have embarked on my vegan, probably gluten-free quest for digestive happiness, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I'm actually rather excited.

My decision to go vegan and probably gluten-free actually came about the other night after having a conversation with My Man. I told him about all of my digestive issues, embarrassing as they are (basically, I have to burp/fart constantly...in no way is that a non-embarrassing issue), and put forth my theory that I have some sort of food intolerance, and maybe even more than one. I explained all of my symptoms and explained the discussions I've been having with my cousin who has celiac disease and told My Man that she thinks I may have a gluten intolerance. While he rather vehemently disagreed that wheat/gluten is likely my primary source of bowel irritation, he did agree that something was clearly not going right. He argued that dairy was a much more likely source of my intestinal troubles and after a bit of discussion, offered to "go vegan" for me. As soon as he said that, I felt better.

I hadn't realized how much anxiety I had been having about changing my eating habits based on the fact that a lot of the time My Man and I spend together revolves around food and eating, and that if I have to drastically change what I consume, this might drastically affect that part of our relationship. I hadn't realized how worried I was that he would 1) think I was being foolish or too hasty in my self-diagnosis and 2) 2) at minimum would sort of take on a passive-aggressive stance to my dietary changes by continuing to offer me all of the foods I dearly love but shouldn't eat.

Once I realized how much of my anxiety had been dispelled by his simple, sincere offer to go vegan with me in support of my efforts to feel better, I came to a secondary realization of how out of whack some of my expectations for relationship dynamics ended up as a result of my most recent romantic relationship.

It occurred to me that because of the person I was with for so many years and who I assumed would be my husband and the father of my children, I have developed these insidious, deep-seated, generally unconscious habits of expecting very unpleasant, dysfunctional things out of my current relationship and partner. Over the past several months I have uncovered some of these entrenched beliefs about myself, my ability to function in a healthy relationship, and the treatment I deserve from my partner, and have managed to realize the faulty logic and reasoning behind many of these beliefs, where this flawed thinking came from, and begun to rectify my thought process. I have done a lot of this with the extremely simple, unassuming support of My Man. He is a reasonable guy and seems able to listen to everything I have to say and understand why I am saying it and to then point out some potential flaws in my logic/reasoning, and to do it in such a completely calm, non-threatening, rational way that I am able to see my own way to understanding and fixing my erroneous conclusions.

Every time this happens, I am bowled over by the simplicity of his words and his uncanny (to me) ability to completely understand what's going on in my head without me even having to fully verbalize it. I am further swept away by feelings of immense gratitude and affection towards this guy who so simply and so effortlessly makes me feel like I'm not an idiot, I'm not a complete mess emotionally, I'm not a silly woman with a bad case of the vapors. And I am relieved that I am also able to realize that these things are true not because he says they are but because I know they are and for a variety of reasons, am finally able to accept that and to acknowledge not just my hideous faults, shortcomings, and misdeeds, but also my talents, intellect, generosity, and so on.

Maybe I'm just growing up a little more now, maybe I'm just in a better place to exercise my talents and abilities, and maybe I have managed to find the one guy who just gets me. I think recently all the different parts of my life have somehow settled into paths that are actually starting to converge and work happily together towards the future I want, so that I feel very settled and content.

I enjoy my compilation of jobs and the varying degrees of responsibility and influence I have in each, I enjoy living at home with my parents and brother, I enjoy traveling between my home, My Man's home, and my sister's home, I enjoy experimenting with food, and now more than ever, I enjoy my time off and all of the different things I am able to do when I am not working. I thrive on the freedom I have to work hectically in the ER; read a book, watch a movie, and knit at IP; provide intense intervention to emotionally fragile young women at LFC while being a leader in correct and appropriate documentation and interaction; be an interim mother for an incredibly charming, funny little infant for entire days; and spend time with all of my loved ones, cook, read, knit, watch movies, listen to music, nap, and otherwise fill my time with leisure activities on the days that I don't do all of those other things.

I feel both a sense of deep contentment and satisfaction with my current life as well as a rising sense of excitement and anticipation for whatever comes next. I'm anxious to reach a solution to my digestive issues and become really happy with what I eat, how physically fit I keep myself, and how I look. I look forward to the day when My Man moves into his own apartment and I can help him set up house and spend time there without feeling like a bit of an intruder. I hope to make plans to go see my Nana in the next month or two with the extremely generous help of my uncle. I anticipate planning a tropical vacation of sorts during the winter months with My Man. And right now, more than any of these things, I'm looking forward to the rest of my day with The Baby, dinner out at Koto's with my guy and then an overdue evening together, another day tomorrow with The Baby, and then three blissful days off in which I can cook, knit, read, thrift shop, and maybe even write, to my heart's content.

All in all, things are looking up.

things seem better after a nap

Ok, SO, despite the fact that I worked a ridiculous amount in the last 72 hours and am facing even more ridiculous hours in the coming week, I'm feeling remarkably happy and good....

This may have something to do with the fact that all of my jobs, despite being demanding of my time, are actually really enjoyable and often quite easy. For example, on Thursday, I spent my day with my 3 month-old charge and he slept most of the day and I slept right with him on the couch. Right now, I'm at work and have the freedom and time to take care of business, pay a bill, make some calls, do some knitting, read my book, check emails, and write on this. And I just was given the ok to call out of my 3-hour shift at Next Door this coming Wednesday so I can go and watch The Baby for an extra day. And while this news made me very happy (one day of Baby and $100 trumps 3 hours of nothing and about $30), it made The Baby's mom even happier. I think I'm her new favorite person...

I think I'm also in a good mood because I have such delightful people in my life. This includes my family, my man, my co-workers, and the people I take care of. My sister let me sleep in her bed in her apartment and even set me a place to eat some food, my man made me breakfast while he was at work, my co-workers make me laugh, and the people I take care of respond really well to me.

Finally, for the time being, I have a bit of money in my bank account, which means I can pay for my health insurance this month, pay my bill from having the lesion removed from my spine, and still have some left with which I can pay some of the rent I owe my parents. And with the prospect of earning $400 in the next two weeks just watching The Baby, my monetary troubles will be even further alleviated.

Next up to tackle: My Diet. I think it may be time to start logging what I eat and how I feel when I eat it so I can figure out if I've developed some food intolerances. This promises to be a lengthy, rather arduous task, as I eat a lot of times during one day and am always on the go, but I think ultimately it will be well worth it if I end up feeling healthier and more comfortable. Also, this may be all the impetus I need to start really cooking, especially the recipes that Claire has so beautifully prepared and documented in her blog. It'll be a bummer to give up certain things, but hey, I somehow managed to lose almost 30 lbs by giving up stuff, so I think if I'm going to be gaining well-being, it'll be an ok trade-off.

My love-hate relationship with food

I've decided that my relationship with food and eating has soured once again. I go through phases where I am completely comfortable with what and how much I eat, and then I swing down into phases where I feel like a complete fat-ass and struggle to limit what I eat and how much of it I eat, and then I always feel like I'm losing the battle. And, on top of that, while struggling to limit what I eat, I of course feel deprived and spend a vast amount of mental time and energy thinking about what I want to eat and when I can eat it and conversely what I can't eat and how much I wish I was eating it. Sometimes I exert so much effort thinking about one particular food, I eventually get too tired of resisting and just eat it, and then eat too much of it and too quickly, as if the sooner I get the eating over with, the sooner I can start to feel guilty and fat and irresponsible. And, most likely, uncomfortable and overly full.

I feel as though food has way too much influence on my life. I spend so much of my day thinking about food in various ways. I feel like I'm hopelessly caught up in thoughts of food and eating, to the point where it feels like half my day is spent on these thoughts. Either I'm thinking about how hungry I am or how desperately I want to eat one particular thing (or many particular things), or if I've just eaten, I then spend a large amount of time thinking about how I probably shouldn't have eaten what I did, or how much I did, or when I did. Almost every time I eat I feel physically lousy after. I feel like I ate too much, I feel bloated and gassy, and in turn fat and disgusting. One of the worst things though is when I've just eaten and can barely control my desire to eat even more. This is often where I lose control and just keep eating a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more. Then I stand up and suddenly I ate way too much, or at least I feel like it. This happens so frequently with my "bowl" of cereal in the morning that I might as well resign myself to the fact that I'll eat too much.

Things are getting to the point where I'm starting to once again despise food and how good it is and what a wide variety of things there are that I like to eat, because eating just causes me so much distress that I wish I didn't have to do it at all. I feel like I'm facing a lifetime of feeling both deprived of and overwhelmed by food. I anticipate meals, snacks, and especially social gatherings that involve food with mingled dread and glutinous joy. I can't wait to eat but at the same time I dread how eating will make me feel.

I don't know what happened to me. I was so in control of how I felt about myself and how I look and how much I weigh and that in turn allowed me to be pretty comfortable in my relationship with food. But once again I've turned down this road of self-loathing, anxiety, disgust, irritation, and sadness that accompanies food, eating, and so on. I am once again off-track with my gym attendance, but a week or two ago when I was going more regularly again, I was forcing myself to stay on the arc trainer for as long as it took to burn a minimum of first 700 calories, then 800, then a couple times I made myself go until I had burned 1000 calories. And that on top of whatever I burned doing strength training. And generally I feel like I can eat what I want within reason on those days that I go to the gym and burn huge numbers of calories, but then conversely I almost don't enjoy my days off from the gym because I feel such a strong need to limit what I eat so that I don't get fat. When I was going to the gym and dieting before, I feel like I had things better under control. I usually kept myself on the elliptical either until I had burned 500 calories or just for a set amount of time (usually 45 minutes or an hour), and did strength training besides. That seemed fairly reasonable and healthy, but now this compulsion to keep going and keep going on the arc trainer seems like it may be a little unreasonable. My fear is that if I get off of the trainer before I've burned my "minimum" amount of calories, I will feel like shit about myself and feel like the whole workout was a waste. This seems like it might not be the world's healthiest mindset about such things, but I struggle to know how to change it.

What this all comes down to is a recurring struggle with my own body image and self-appreciation. For whatever real stupid reason, despite being thin and fairly fit, I still see a very flawed individual in the mirror. I hate my love handles and the way they pooch out over the waist band of my pants. I hate that I feel lousy about myself based on how I look. I hate that I feel like food controls my life. I hate that my thoughts seem almost obsessively preoccupied with food, eating, satiation, and over-indulgence. I feel trapped by these thoughts and really struggle to enjoy myself and my wonderful life on too many occasions due to preoccupation with my relationship to food.

This is ridiculous.