My decision to go vegan and probably gluten-free actually came about the other night after having a conversation with My Man. I told him about all of my digestive issues, embarrassing as they are (basically, I have to burp/fart constantly...in no way is that a non-embarrassing issue), and put forth my theory that I have some sort of food intolerance, and maybe even more than one. I explained all of my symptoms and explained the discussions I've been having with my cousin who has celiac disease and told My Man that she thinks I may have a gluten intolerance. While he rather vehemently disagreed that wheat/gluten is likely my primary source of bowel irritation, he did agree that something was clearly not going right. He argued that dairy was a much more likely source of my intestinal troubles and after a bit of discussion, offered to "go vegan" for me. As soon as he said that, I felt better.
I hadn't realized how much anxiety I had been having about changing my eating habits based on the fact that a lot of the time My Man and I spend together revolves around food and eating, and that if I have to drastically change what I consume, this might drastically affect that part of our relationship. I hadn't realized how worried I was that he would 1) think I was being foolish or too hasty in my self-diagnosis and 2) 2) at minimum would sort of take on a passive-aggressive stance to my dietary changes by continuing to offer me all of the foods I dearly love but shouldn't eat.
Once I realized how much of my anxiety had been dispelled by his simple, sincere offer to go vegan with me in support of my efforts to feel better, I came to a secondary realization of how out of whack some of my expectations for relationship dynamics ended up as a result of my most recent romantic relationship.
It occurred to me that because of the person I was with for so many years and who I assumed would be my husband and the father of my children, I have developed these insidious, deep-seated, generally unconscious habits of expecting very unpleasant, dysfunctional things out of my current relationship and partner. Over the past several months I have uncovered some of these entrenched beliefs about myself, my ability to function in a healthy relationship, and the treatment I deserve from my partner, and have managed to realize the faulty logic and reasoning behind many of these beliefs, where this flawed thinking came from, and begun to rectify my thought process. I have done a lot of this with the extremely simple, unassuming support of My Man. He is a reasonable guy and seems able to listen to everything I have to say and understand why I am saying it and to then point out some potential flaws in my logic/reasoning, and to do it in such a completely calm, non-threatening, rational way that I am able to see my own way to understanding and fixing my erroneous conclusions.
Every time this happens, I am bowled over by the simplicity of his words and his uncanny (to me) ability to completely understand what's going on in my head without me even having to fully verbalize it. I am further swept away by feelings of immense gratitude and affection towards this guy who so simply and so effortlessly makes me feel like I'm not an idiot, I'm not a complete mess emotionally, I'm not a silly woman with a bad case of the vapors. And I am relieved that I am also able to realize that these things are true not because he says they are but because I know they are and for a variety of reasons, am finally able to accept that and to acknowledge not just my hideous faults, shortcomings, and misdeeds, but also my talents, intellect, generosity, and so on.
Maybe I'm just growing up a little more now, maybe I'm just in a better place to exercise my talents and abilities, and maybe I have managed to find the one guy who just gets me. I think recently all the different parts of my life have somehow settled into paths that are actually starting to converge and work happily together towards the future I want, so that I feel very settled and content.
I enjoy my compilation of jobs and the varying degrees of responsibility and influence I have in each, I enjoy living at home with my parents and brother, I enjoy traveling between my home, My Man's home, and my sister's home, I enjoy experimenting with food, and now more than ever, I enjoy my time off and all of the different things I am able to do when I am not working. I thrive on the freedom I have to work hectically in the ER; read a book, watch a movie, and knit at IP; provide intense intervention to emotionally fragile young women at LFC while being a leader in correct and appropriate documentation and interaction; be an interim mother for an incredibly charming, funny little infant for entire days; and spend time with all of my loved ones, cook, read, knit, watch movies, listen to music, nap, and otherwise fill my time with leisure activities on the days that I don't do all of those other things.
I feel both a sense of deep contentment and satisfaction with my current life as well as a rising sense of excitement and anticipation for whatever comes next. I'm anxious to reach a solution to my digestive issues and become really happy with what I eat, how physically fit I keep myself, and how I look. I look forward to the day when My Man moves into his own apartment and I can help him set up house and spend time there without feeling like a bit of an intruder. I hope to make plans to go see my Nana in the next month or two with the extremely generous help of my uncle. I anticipate planning a tropical vacation of sorts during the winter months with My Man. And right now, more than any of these things, I'm looking forward to the rest of my day with The Baby, dinner out at Koto's with my guy and then an overdue evening together, another day tomorrow with The Baby, and then three blissful days off in which I can cook, knit, read, thrift shop, and maybe even write, to my heart's content.
All in all, things are looking up.
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